Pilates

Spike was doing the one thing in the world he hated the most, even more than talking to Angel.  

And that was reading.  He didn't actually mind reading so much as he hated to do research, but as far as researching went, Googling "tigers into butter" wasn't that much of a stretch.

Still, it had lead to reading, and to thinking, and--

"You look like the most miserable son of a bitch in this building."  Beth grinned as she came into the library.

And getting snuck up on, apparently.  "Oh, it's you. What do you want?"

"A new index," she answered cheerfully.  "Giles is making all of us memorize what demons are in what books, so hopefully it'll go easier doing the research thing in the future."

"Well, great.  On with you then."  Spike closed the laptop screen down so she couldn't see what he'd been doing.  

Beth's eyebrows lifted.  "And what crawled up your bum today?"

"Y'know, you're speakin' a lot more slang than you used to," Spike pointed out.  

"Must be the company I've been keeping."  Beth heaved the three volumes she'd brought in onto Giles' desk, then came over to perch on the table beside Spike's computer station.  "Since when are you computer geek?"

"Well, since nobody else was here, I was gonna look at some porn, but I couldn't find any I liked."

Beth cracked up.  "Lie number two?"

Spike glared.  "You used to be more afraid of me."

"That was before."  She tossed her hair over her shoulder, then dug in her pocket for a Scrunchy to make a ponytail to get it out of her way.  "I swear, one of these days I'm gonna hack it all off."

"Don't do that.  Looks good on you like this."  Spike reached up and pushed a bit of hair behind her ear that she'd missed including in the ponytail.  "Makes y'look all grown up."

Beth just smiled at that.  "Well, thank you. But I wasn't fishing for a compliment."  

"Don't have to fish.  Sometimes they just come natural."  He looked up at her. "Again I ask, what're you doing here?"

"Well, I intended to pick up the next set of indexes, but Giles isn't around so my evening just freed up."

"Evening?" Spike asked, and then lifted the laptop to look at the little clock in the corner.  "Bloody hell, this place needs a few windows or somethin'."

Beth tried to steal a look at whatever it was Spike had been looking at, but he moved too fast for her, closing the browser and then closing the laptop screen quickly.  "Poor Spike, lose track of time searching for Miss Right?"

"I liked it better when you thought I'd bite you."

Beth leaned over to whisper in his ear.  "Never actually thought you'd bite me, at least, not after the first time."

Spike's disgusted grimace and Beth's laughter was the first thing Angel heard as he came into the library.  As always, he focused on Beth first, and he was very much taken aback to see her sitting on the table beside Spike, laughing at whatever he'd just said.  

"I really don't like you," he groused, and moved to get up when he realized they weren't alone.  "Oh, great."

Beth followed Spike's line of sight, and jumped off the table when she saw who was there.  "Angel! What's up?" she asked, walking over to the door and meeting him halfway.

"Looking for Giles, or Wesley," he said, trying not to be furious and jealous and petty.  But it was Spike.

"Same here, or well, Giles, anyway.  I brought some of his demon indexes back to trade in on new ones, but Spike was the only one here."

"Yeah, I saw.  You two seem… friendly."  A scowl. "Friendlier than I thought.  Don't you guys hate each other?"

"Jealous much?" Spike asked, hearing his name in the conversation.  "Standin' right here."

Angel ignored him, and kept his attention focused on Beth.  "So, you two are friends now."

"Well, I don't want to kill him and I guess that's a start," she temporized.  "And he did kick some serious Ahmantz ass. Handled the flamethrower like a pro and everything."

"Oh.  Yeah. Great.  Kicked demon ass.  I can do that, you know, and you're the one who told me how dangerous it was.  But hey, it's not too dangerous for Spike. He can kick demon ass." Angel couldn't help himself; he never fared well when he was having to compare to Spike.  

"Angel?  Calm down.  I didn't want you putting yourself in danger, is all," she placated, putting her hand on Angel's shoulder.  

Angel twitched it off.  "You know, I couldn't figure out for the life of me why you weren't upset about him breaking into the conference room, and then, I figured it out.  You knew it. You knew he was banging somebody in your office and that's why you weren't down there! He's been screwing his way--"

"Oh, that's enough," Spike said.  "Boo bloody hoo, your girl made friends with the big bad wolf.  Grrr!" He waggled his fingers at Angel. "Get over the insecurity, mate.  I tried, she's yours, end of the deal, all right?" He shoved Angel back a few steps and stomped out of the library.  

"He tried to get to you?" Angel demanded.  "When? What did he do? Did he put his hands on you?  Because if he did, I'm going to--"

"Not do a damn thing because I can actually take care of myself," Beth pointed out dryly in an attempt to stop Angel's tirade.

It worked.  Angel stopped short, glaring at her.  "What?"

"You heard me, Angel.  You're gonna leave Spike alone, because he didn't do anything.  I'm kinda glad you brought this up, in fact, cause we need to talk."  She closed the doors to the library and locked them, so nobody else could come in and disturb them.  "What is your deal?"

Angel watched bemusedly as Beth locked the library doors, and then considered her question.  "What do you mean?"

"I mean, what is your deal?  What makes you tick? What do you think?  What do you even feel, cause I don't know!  I mean, sure, I know that you hate Spike, and that you feel like everyone thinks you're Angelus even when you're not.  And God knows I know you can be kind, and sweet, and a little romantic, and huge idiot at times, but really, I don't know anything else!"

"That's about all anyone needs to know about me," Angel stalled.  "I mean, you want to know any more, it's all in the books." He shrugged.  "I don't know what else you're asking me."

That he didn't was not a surprise to Beth, and she walked back over to him.  Before he could tell her not to, she kissed him.  

Angel hadn't seen it coming, and the sudden kiss startled him, but he returned it warmly.  He let Beth lead, his arms wrapping around her waist and lifting her just a little as he leaned into her.

Beth was disappointed; her toes didn't curl, Angel didn't try to take what he wanted, and though she felt safe, warm, definitely cared for… 

It wasn't like kissing Spike.

Angel let her go, and Beth took a half step back, looking up at him.  "That's what I needed to know," she said sadly, stroking her hand down Angel's cheek.  She felt a little like crying, but she didn't. "You were right. I didn't want you to be."

"Right?  Right about what?  Beth… what are you talking about?"  Angel took her by the elbow and pulled her over to sit in one of the chairs, then leaned against the table to talk to her.  "What's happening?"

"Nothing is happening, and that's the problem."  She reached out and took one of his hands between both of hers, turning it over and letting her fingertips stroke over his palm.  "You were right, when you said you couldn't be around me. Because as much as I tried to just be your friend, I wanted more. I wanted everything with you.  And now I know I can't have it." She leaned forward and kissed him again. "I loved you, Angel. But I have to stop. Because you'll never let yourself love me.  And I understand why. I just didn't want to admit it until now."

"Beth."  Angel looked down at his hand clasped in hers, and reached out with his other one, stroking his hand down her hair.  "It's not that I don't… I mean, I can't."

She shook her head.  "You don't get to do that, Angel.  It's not fair." She shrugged his hand off, but squeezed tightly the one she still held.  "Just… I need to hear something from you, okay? I need you to say that we're still friends, independent of all this, that the next time I run into you here it's not going to be awkward and stilted, because I don't have that many friends here and you were the first one I made.  I don't want to lose that, Angel. I don't."  

Angel nodded, but knew he was lying.  "We're still friends, Beth. Nothing happened to change that, or stop it from happening," he said with a pasted-on smile but what he hoped was real sincerity.  "You've got me for life, you told me that once. Well, in my case, it's true, because I'll be around a lot longer than you."

She did smile at that.  "You can't lie for shit, but the thought is appreciated."  She kissed his hand again, and then let it drop as she separated from him.  "I've got to go. But I'll see you soon, friend."

Angel nodded as he watched her unlock the library door.  "Yeah, soon."

-----

Beth closed the door behind her as she leaves the library, because she had a feeling that Angel wanted to be alone right now.  Truth be told, it's the last thing that she wants, and she starts walking blindly down the hall. She hadn't really wanted to make that choice; she hadn't really wanted to face up to the fact that Angel was something out of her reach, but she had to.  

"Hey, where you goin' in such a rush?"  Spike's voice came from the shadows on the other side of the hallway.  

"Hey, Spike," Beth said, turning around to look at him.  "Where've you been lurking since you stomped out in a huff."

"I did not stomp out in a bloody huff!" he protested, knowing that he'd done exactly that.  "I just didn't want to hang around and watch you and the Forehead make kissy--"

"There is no me and Angel," Beth busted in, interrupting Spike's tirade much as she had Angel's before.  "Not anymore."

That stopped Spike in his tracks, and he had to sprint a few yards to catch up with Beth, who hadn't stopped walking.  "I'm sorry, that was my bad ear. Say again?"

"There is no me and Angel anymore," Beth repeated. She looked over at Spike's boots walking beside hers, listened to the thud of them in the hallway, and was kind of surprised at how unreal they sounded to her at the moment.  

Spike gave a whoop that echoed in the empty hallways, and then immediately looked sheepish as Beth glared daggers at him.  "Sorry, love, but y'have to admit, that's bloody good news for me."

"Spike, if you say a word to him about it, I swear I'll kill you in your sleep.  And I know where you sleep. I'll do it." Beth glared. "He's still my friend, and I won't have you making him any more miserable than he is on a daily basis."

He cocked his head as Beth threatened him, and shook his head just the littlest bit.  "You wouldn't do that to your old pal Spike." He reached out and caught her by the shoulders, stopping her forward momentum.  "Hey. Stop walkin', all right?"  

Beth halted when Spike grabbed her, and she looked up at him.  "What?"

"Sorry.  I'm… I'm sorry, all right?  I know you like the sodding bastard, an' I know that couldn't have been fun."  He grumbled the apology almost inaudibly. "But did you have to kiss him? You smell like Angel."  

"Yeah, I did," she admitted softly.  "I had to know, Spike." She leaned against him suddenly, and sighed deeply.  "Come back to the hotel with me tonight?" she asked, muffling it in his shoulder.  "We can stop on the way and pick up some liquor and some food, I just… really don't feel like being alone tonight."  

"Course I will."  Spike reached behind her and pulled her ponytail loose, so her hair flowed freely down her back and shoulders.  "There. There's my Bethie." He rubbed his thumb over her cheekbone as he cupped her cheek. "May not be the best company in the world, but I'll do in a pinch."

"You're also someone I want to be around," she pointed out, leaning briefly against his hand before straightening herself back up.  "C'mon. You pick out the place for dinner, and I'll buy it."  

Spike put his arm around her shoulders and laughed.  "Deal, but you got to let me buy the booze."  

"Sounds fair to me."  

-----

Beth's hotel room smelled like popcorn.  

There was a big yellow plastic bag of it on the bed, between Beth and Spike, and both of them were eating out of it, handful after handful.  

A bottle of sparkling soda water sat on Beth's side of the bed, along with a squeezable plastic lime, and several bottles of bourbon and whiskey sat on the table beside Spike's.

Every once in awhile, Spike would take out a silver flask and dribble blood on a handful of popcorn before popping it into his mouth, and Beth pretended not to notice.

"Okay, so, 'splain to me what we're watchin' again?"

Beth grinned.  "It's a movie about zombies.  And it doesn't have that much of a plot.  These six young adults are sharing an RV on the way to a friend's wedding, and they get lost.  Of course. And they get lost in this little town called Lovelock, and one of the guys has his son's spirit trapped in a box.  And when it gets out, it starts infecting people and turning them into zombies and there's lots of blood and killing."

"Yeah, I got that.  But why is there singin' and dancin'?" he asked after a moment's digestion.

"To break up the monotony of all the killing," Beth answered.  

"Right.  But singin'?  And zombie line dances?"  Spike crunched another handful of bloody popcorn.  

"And don't forget the hick accent!  See, this is supposed to be Lovelock, Texas, and trust me.  I grew up in Texas and nobody has an accent that bad." She took a drink of her soda, frowned, and squirted more lime in the soda.  "You put the lime in the coke, you nut, and drink it all down!"

"I think that's in the coconut, ducks."

"Whatever."  Beth took another drink and nodded.  "I can make stupid lime jokes if I want to."

"So what's after this?"  Spike leaned over to the far side of the table, and picked up the box of crab puffs from Uncle Wong's Chinese Buffet.  "Here, open up." Beth obediently opened her mouth and caught the crab puff that Spike tossed at her. "Good Bethie!"

Beth washed the crab down with another drink of club soda.  "Woof."

"Ohhh, you want it doggy-style.  I think Spike can take care of that."  He hauled her over to his side of the bed, kicking the popcorn bag into the floor in the process.  But once she was over there, all he did was wrap his arms and legs around hers, keeping her locked up and still in his arms.  He kissed her ear, then rested his chin on her head. "We should talk."

"After the movie," Beth said.  She really didn't want to have this talk in the same night as the one where she'd dumped Angel, but she knew she didn't have much of a choice.  But putting it off was a good delaying tactic.

"How does the movie end?" Spike asked innocently.

"Oh, um, Vegan Girl kills the Bad Guy while Shotgun Girl shoots the rest of them.  So they and The Drifter get back into the RV and drive off into the sunset."

Spike picked up the remote and turned the movie off.  "Then it's over."  

Beth couldn't come up with any other way to stall.  "Okay. What's up?"

He left his chin on her head.  "So there's no you and Angel anymore?  Just like that?"

"Not just like that.  But, yes, there is no more me and Angel, I told you.  He'll never let himself feel anything for me or anyone else because he's so sodding scared of lo--"  She got cut off by Spike's mouth against hers. "What was that for?"

"I just think it's cute hearin' me come outta your mouth is all," Spike admitted with a cocky grin.  "Sorry. Won't interrupt again. You were sayin'?"

"It's okay."  She crinkled her nose at him.  "But like I was saying, he's too damn scared of losing his soul.  And I get it, and I don't blame him for it. But I can't wait any longer for him to decide that I'm safe.  Cause he'll never see me like that. And… you were right. You said that I needed to make up my mind. And you said that you were taking advantage of me.  You weren't; if anything, I was using you. And I didn't like that about myself."  

"Wait, hold up.  How do you think you were the one usin' me?  Last I looked, I was the one--"

"Because I was," she said simply.  "I had the best of both worlds between you and Angel, and I was being selfish.  I could've told you no, but I didn't."

"Don't see how that's the case."  Off her look, though… "I won't interrupt again.  For real this time."

"Anyway."  She glared at Spike, and when he remained silent, she continued her rambling.  "After the last time we were together, I spent a few days thinking. About Angel, about you, about me.  I realized… I needed you. When you were making love to me in front of the mirror, you said I smelled like blood and sweat and woman like a Slayer should.  A woman, a Slayer. And to Angel, I'm just a girl, maybe his favorite girl like he said, but I'll never be more than a girl to him.  But you see me as a woman, and I need that, Spike.  I could tell you a hundred other things that helped sway me one way or the other, but in the end I feel like you see me for me.  You're not afraid of me."

Spike didn't say anything for a moment, but his grip on Beth tightened.  "I looked up that thing you mentioned. Tigers, butter, chasing your tail.  Still haven't figured out what you meant."

Beth laughed softly and rubbed her cheek on Spike's shoulder.  "Sambo, or whatever his politically-correct name is nowadays, gave a little something to everyone, and then sat back and watched while the tigers wouldn't let go of each other long enough to notice him.  I guess I'm more of a Sambo than a tiger, because I felt like you and Angel were the tigers and each one of you had a piece of me and I was just watching you bite each other's tails and be too busy for me.  And then at the same time, I felt like I was one of the tigers, chasing your tail or Angel's."

Spike reached down and tilted Beth's chin up for a kiss.  He couldn't quite say thank you, but he tried with the press of his lips against hers.  She'd promised to explain her thoughts to him one day, and he'd never really expected her to follow through on it.  But she had. She thought he was good enough to keep her promises to, and that made him deepen the kiss.  

She ran her fingertips over Spike's cheek, dragged them over the back of his hand and his wrist.  The burns were gone, and she kept stroking the flawless skin. "I'm glad you're better," she murmured against his lips.

"That was nothin'.  Been burned worse than that before."  He slid his hands back around her waist.  "Don't want you to tell Angel about this," he said suddenly.  "Tell 'im myself, in my own good time."

Beth nodded; she was fine with passing that uncomfortable duty over to Spike.  "Just be gentle." She was quiet for a moment, then looked up at him. "Spike?"

"Yeah, love?"  Spike was stroking his fingers through her hair, tilting his head to watch her watch him.  

"Thank you.  For what you said, I mean."  

She'd obviously been thinking, and her thoughts had been on a track entirely different from Spike's.  "Didn't say anythin'," he pointed out quietly.  

"You did, though.  Before, in the library.  You said I looked all grown up.  I get tired of being looked at like a kid around here.  I know, I know, I said it before, but it bears repeating again."

"Meant every word."  He kissed her hair. "Come on.  Close your eyes. Sun's almost up, an' it'll be up to you to keep me entertained."

At that, Beth wriggled, trying to loosen Spike's grip on her.  "Lemme up a second."

Spike opened his arms, and Beth stood by the side of the bed, stripping down.  "Not that I don't appreciate the show, ducks, but what are you doin'?"

Beth gave him an impish grin as she tossed off the last of her clothes.  "What? I sleep naked; don't you?"

-----

Hey little sister what have you done?

Hey little sister who's your only one?

Hey little sister who's your superman?

Hey little sister who's the one you want?

Hey little sister shotgun!

It's a nice day for a white wedding

Spike grunted as he woke up.  He hadn't really been that deeply asleep, and he was certain he hadn't been dreaming of being Billy Idol again, but it was still a little shocking to hear that music in the silence of the room.  "The hell is that?"

"M'phone," Beth muttered, about three-quarters asleep.  

Spike cursed under his breath and leaned over Beth to scoop the phone off the bedside table.  He was desperate to make the thing stop ringing, so he flipped it open and answered it before checking the caller ID.  "'Lo?"

There was an extended pause on the caller's end of the line.  "Hello? Mate, c'mon, don't have all day," Spike repeated.  

"Spike?" finally came from the other end of the phone.  

He blinked.  "Uh, yeah, who's this?"

Another pause.  "Angel. Uh, I thought I was callin' Beth.  Did I hit the wrong dial thing?"  

Spike sighed and dragged his hand through his hair.  "No, y'got the right phone." Spike paused to light his next-to-last cigarette while he was talking to Angel.  He didn't offer anything further.

Angel's voice was starting to sound strained on the other end of the line.  "So where is she?"

"At the moment, sleepin'.  I'll let her know you called, then?"

Angel's voice got even more strained.  "So what're you doing answering her phone?"

Spike scoffed.  "I didn't want it wakin' her up.  We caught the midnight movie an' she didn't get to sleep until about sun-up."  A pause as he dragged from his cigarette. "I c'n be a nice bloke, don't sound so shocked."

"Yeah, when you're trying to get into someone's pants," Angel sneered.  "Keep your hands off her, Spike."

Spike was more than a little offended, and it took him a moment to come up with a response that didn't involve telling Angel he'd already been in Beth's pants.  "In case y'were too busy to notice, Bethie's a hell of a fun date. Didn't even complain a bit when I put blood on m'popcorn."

"I mean it.  Don't touch her.  Don't talk to her.  Don't even look in her direction.  I swear if you do, I'll kill you," Angel threatened from the other end.

"Best take that up with the woman herself, mate," Spike said with a grin.  "She told me tonight she gave you the old heave-ho. Looks like someone didn't get the memo."

"She's still my friend, Spike, and if you hurt her--"

"Oh, for heaven's sake, don't get your knickers in such a twist, princess.  Bethie's a big girl, she can take care of herself."

Angel let out an explosive sigh, which was surprising considering he didn't breathe.  "Where are you?"

"That would be tellin'," he taunted.  

Angel hung up on Spike's gleeful laugh.  

Spike closed the phone, stuffed it under the phone book and Gideon Bible to muffle it, and got back into bed beside Beth.  

"Whozit?" she muttered, turning to half-face Spike.

Spike pushed Beth's hair off her neck so he could kiss it.  "Nobody important. Just Angel, havin' a fit cause I answered your phone."

"Mmph."  Beth gave a sleepy smile.  "He'll calm down. Wake me up if he tries to kick down the door."

-----

Angel didn't try to kick the door down.  Instead, he pounded on the door until he heard movement inside, and when the door finally did open, he didn't expect to see Spike half-naked.  He'd only opened it the length of the security chain, and Angel couldn't see past him. "Where is she?"

"'Lo, Ange.  How's it goin'?  Been too long, mate.  I'm fine, thanks for askin'.  Love the jacket."

Angel growled, and put his hand on the door, trying to push it open.  "Where is she, Spike?" He frowned when he couldn't push it open.  

Spike had his hand on the back side of the door, keeping it shut.  "Oh, Bethie? She's in the shower. Thanks for stoppin' by." Spike made to close the door, but he couldn't budge Angel's grip holding it open.  

"I'm not leaving until I get to talk to her," Angel growled.  

"I'll have her step out in the hall when she's out of the bath," Spike answered.  "But you're not comin' in, and that's just that."  

"Says who?" Angel bristled, and put his hands on Spike to toss him out of the way.  

"I do."  Beth came out of the bathroom, hair wrapped in one towel and body wrapped in another one.  "I told him to tell you to wait for me outside. So take your hands off him and back off until I get dressed."

Angel's jaw dropped, but his eyes narrowed angrily.  "Fine," he bit out, and stepped back enough to allow Spike to close the door.  

Spike shut it, and turned around towards Beth.  "You okay, pet?"

Beth nodded.  "Yeah, I'm fine.  Just too much popcorn and crab puffs, not enough real food.  Junk food made me sick is all." She dropped her towel and pulled clean clothes out of the pile on the table.  

"Poor Bethie."  Spike leaned over and kissed her cheek, then her lips.  "You want I should make him go away?"

Beth slid her arms around Spike for a quick hug, siphoning out some of his strength to steel herself.  "No. I can talk to him," she said softly. "Alone."

Spike just nodded.  "If you need me, call."  Spike let go of her for a moment to dig out her phone, and then tossed it to her.

"I think I can handle Angel."  She pulled her hair back into a ponytail.  

Spike walked over and reached behind her, taking her hair down as soon as she'd put it up.  "Y'look beautiful with it down."

She nodded, and left it down.  "Wait for me?"

Spike smirked.  "Can I order a pay-per-view?"

Beth laughed as she opened the door.  "Order anything you like, as long as it's not X-rated."

"Well what I am supposed to do 'til you get back, then?" Spike called out.  

"Take matters into your own hands," she shot back with a smile, closing the door behind her.  

Angel was scowling as Beth came out of her room.  "That's not funny; you shouldn't encourage him."

"Spike doesn't need encouragement," Beth pointed out.  "Come on, let's walk." She checked her pants pocket to make sure she had her wallet.  "I need real food, not just popcorn."

"So, uh."  Angel fell into step beside Beth.  "Spike stayed the night, huh?"

"Well, yeah.  After I left the library he offered to hang and keep me company because I was upset after talking to you," she explained.  She skipped the elevator and took the stairs instead. "We picked up some Chinese food, Spike wanted booze, and I got some club soda and popcorn.  We came back here, pigged out, and watched zombie movies on HBO until the sun came up." She stopped by the cigarette machine, fed it money, and bought two packs.  One went into each hip pocket, and she looked up at Angel. "What're you doing here?"

"I called you earlier, to see how you were, and Spike answered your phone.  He was being an--"

"Oh, yeah, he mentioned you called but didn't leave a message, other than to threaten him for trying to get in my pants," Beth answered.  She tossed her hair over her shoulder, then stopped abruptly. "Bugger all, I forgot it's the middle of the damn day." She changed directions, leading Angel towards the in-house restaurant instead.  

Angel followed her quietly until they were seated in a table that was well away from every window and every other table in the restaurant.  "You're having breakfast?"

Beth grinned behind the menu.  "Well, brunch, actually, but yeah."  She smiled at the waitress who came over.  "Sausage, patties if you've got it, two eggs scrambled, toast, and club soda.  Sparkling water. Whatever you've got that's clear and carbonated."

"We have Sprite," the waitress said with a smile.  "Do you want potatoes too?"

Beth laughed softly.  "No, and you guys in California can't make grits worth a damn.  Actually change it to a rare steak with the eggs, and a side of sausage patties," she said after a second's thought.

The waitress changed Beth's order, then looked expectantly at Angel.  "Just coffee, thanks," he said with a smile, and the waitress added it to the order.  Once she'd left, he looked at Beth. "Since when are you and Spike such good friends? I thought you hated him."

Beth gave a little shrug.  "He and I were talking, and he made a really good point.  I didn't really hate him. I hated that he was the one who pissed me off, made me feel things, and I realized he was right.  I was putting a lot of anger on him that he didn't deserve. So I gave him a chance."  

"You're implying that I didn't make you feel those things."  He'd meant for it to be a question, but the tone of his voice had made it a statement instead.

"Not exactly, but kind of," Beth admitted.  She fell silent as the girl brought her Sprite and Angel's coffee, and waited for her to leave before continuing.  "Anyway. We went out to the bar here and had a few drinks after we took the Ahmantz out. He's not that bad a guy, at least, he's not to me, once I got to know him."

"Yes, actually, he is that bad.  He's worse! In fact, he's worse than the worst thing you ever thought about him!"  Angel scoffed. "I don't get it, I really don't get it! Spike's the world's biggest jerk in every way that is imaginable and yet, every single woman and a good number of guys in the world think he's the most charming and desirable guy on the planet!  This always happens!"

"Nooo, you don't have issues at all," Beth snickered.  "Angel, come off it, all right?  Just because Spike's not as bad as I thought he was didn't change anything.  So what if he and I become friends? What's the problem with that?"

"I don't like him, that's the problem!"  He cut himself off mid-tirade as the waitress brought Beth's breakfast and refilled his coffee.  Once she was gone, he finished. "Spike's always out to ruin what I've got if he can't get it for himself.  He's just using you to get to me, and he's already got you talked into…" he sighed. "Leaving me."  

"Can't blame Spike for that one, Angel," Beth said calmly, carving her steak up into small pieces before dumping ketchup on her eggs.  "That was my call. Every time I've kissed you, it's been me. I've tried to insinuate myself in your life, tried everything I can think of to make you see me as someone safe for you to love.  But you could never see me like that. You labeled me as a danger to your soul, and I suppose that I was. Because I'd have done anything to make you love me."

"But?" Angel prompted after a moment, when Beth didn't elaborate.  

"But then I tried to hold your hand.  And you pulled away from me like I was poison to you," she finally said.  "And I realized, then and there, that nothing I could ever do would make you give me a chance.  And I don't blame you. I know you don't want to lose your soul; Angelus is always too much of a looming threat for you to risk.  As long as I loved you, I was going to be a risk you couldn't afford to take. And I accepted it, even if I didn't want to."

"And Spike had nothing to do with it?" Angel demanded.  "Nothing at all?"

"Nothing at all," Beth echoed firmly, and she was kind of surprised that the lie came out so easily.  

Angel didn't believe a word of it, but he let it go as entirely too painful a wound to prod at.  "So when did you start smoking?" he asked, changing the subject.  

"Since I was about sixteen and a sophomore in high school," she explained.  "I stopped for awhile, but picked it up again about the time I turned twenty or so, because hacking up a smelly demon carcass went a lot faster when your nose and lungs were full of Lucky Strike or Joe Camel."  She laid the two packs she'd bought on the table. "However, these are for Spike because he was nice enough to share his smokes with me last night and we about finished off the pack he had on him."

"So he's gotten you drunk and smoking again.  Yeah, he's a great influence on you," Angel said bitterly.  

"Well, if you're so deathly curious about it, Spike also put me in the shower--fully clothed--after he got me up to my room by himself so nobody else saw I was drunk," Beth said calmly.  "And he's the one who encouraged me to stick to club soda and popcorn last night instead of sharing the bottle of Jack like I asked. Meaning, Spike got me sober and kept me sober when I was messed up over you.  So, you know, don't go bad-mouthing Spike until you know the facts.  All of them."

Angel growled lowly.  "You want to know the facts about Spike?  I'll give you a few facts about Spike. He's a killer, Beth.  A murderer, even. You know how he got the name Spike? By--"

"Yeah, yeah, I know.  By tormenting people with those railroad spikes.  I remember my history. And, I hate to bring up the black hat in the room, but Angelus wasn't exactly an innocent babe in the woods as far as killing people goes.  But you're not Angelus and Spike isn't that guy any more. You've both got souls, and who you are with souls is 100% different than you who you were without them." She drained her soda glass and looked at Angel.  "You remember what I told you yesterday, about how I feel about my friends?"

"You said that I'd be stuck with you for life because once you made a friend you stuck with them," Angel said with another growl.  

"Then realize Spike is my friend," Beth said firmly.  "And that isn't going to change no matter what you say about him."

"You'll regret it," Angel warned.  

"Funny, I was told that when it got out that I'd made friends with you.  But I ignored it, and guess what? I'm glad I did, because you are my closest friend.  I'd trust you with my life, Angel."

"Your life, but not your heart," he said quietly.  

"I tried to give you my heart, Angel.  You were the one who wouldn't take it."  She looked down, a little startled when Angel reached out and took her hand in his.  

"Is it too late to re-think that?" he asked softly.

Oh, God, she wished he hadn't asked her that.  Part of her wanted to reassure him that no, it wasn't too late, that they could still have the happy ending she'd wanted so desperately.  But then she looked at the two packs of cigarettes on the table, thought of the times she'd been in bed with Spike, thought about Spike waiting up in the room for her right now as they were speaking.  Reluctantly, she pulled her hand away from Angel's.

"Yeah, it's too late," she said in a whisper, folding her hands in her lap.  "You're only doing this because you don't want to lose me to Spike. I wish that weren't the case.  God you don't know how much I wish that. But if I said it wasn't too late, what would happen? You'd kiss me now, but in a few days you'd decide I was getting too close to making you happy, and we'd be right back at the same place we are now.  Just… be happy being my friend, Angel, please. Be my friend, care about me like that, because that's the only way I can care about you anymore. I can't keep waiting to love you."

Angel just nodded.  "I'm sorry. But you're right.  You're a great friend to have. And I'm glad you're still willing to give me a shot at being your friend in return."

"Oh, stuff it.  You'll always be my friend.  No giving a shot, no this or that.  Friends forever, you and me." She used her pinky finger to cross her heart and then held it up.  "Pinky promise."

Angel couldn't help the sad smile as he linked his pinky with hers.  "Pinky promise."

Beth swept the cigarettes back into her pockets, and picked up the check.  "Coffee's on me," she said. "Next time, bring me a caramel frappe and we're even."

"Frappe?"  Angel waited as she paid the check, then stood with her in the lobby of the hotel.  "Want me to walk you back up to your room?"

Beth shook her head.  "I think I can find the way," she answered, tucking her hands into her back pockets.

"Hey, promise me one thing."  At Beth's expectant silence, he continued.  "Don't just jump into bed with someone cause you're hurting.  Wait until it means something."

Beth just nodded.  "I promise, when I go to bed with anyone, whether I'm hurt or not, it's not meaningless.  I don't do empty sex, and I don't just roll into bed with anyone I meet." She gave him a smile.  "But thank you for being worried."

Angel looked like he wanted to say more, but didn't.  He just straightened his shoulders. "Well. I'll see you back at the Pod, then."

"Sure will."  She gave him a hug, then kissed his cheek.  "Goodbye, Angel."

Angel watched her head for the stairway again, then stepped out into the protective shade of the hotel's awning as he waited for his car to be brought around.

Beth ran as quickly as she could up the stairs.  She passed the maid's cart in the hallway, ignored the call of the maid as she pushed it out of her way, and nearly snapped the key card in half as she swiped it forcefully in the lock.  It beeped, finally, and Beth spilled into the hotel room as she yanked the door open and slammed it shut behind her.

Spike was on his feet as soon as the door opened, because he could smell the agitation.  "What is it, love?' he asked, pulling her to sit on the side of the bed. "What'd he say to you?"

Beth just gave a shake of her head, and instead of answering she pulled herself in close to Spike and kissed him.  Hot and deep, her tongue thrust and licked at his lips almost desperately as her hands held him close.  

Spike was startled by the desperation in the kiss, and he tried to calm her down even as he returned it.  He dragged his fingers through her hair, petting her gently as he pulled away. "Hey, now, what's goin' on?  Talk to me, Bethie. Tell Spike what's going on?"

Beth pulled the two packs of cigarettes out of her pocket and handed them to Spike before they got crushed.  "Picked 'em up downstairs," she said, leaning against Spike's shoulder.  

Spike took the cigarettes and put them on the table, completely unconcerned with them.  "Beth."

"It's just Angel being Angel," she said after a moment.  She stood up, stripping her clothes off to get comfortable.  "He was being jealous, unpleasantly so, tried to call you a killer.  I told him you weren't that person, that Angelus was worse than you'd ever been but you both had souls and were both different now.  He got jealous again when I defended you. And then he accused you of being the reason I'd broken things off with him. And when I said you weren't, he asked me to come back."

Spike wasn't in the least surprised.  "He's always been jealous of me. I think that's part of why he never wanted me to have Dru."  But when Beth mentioned that Angel had wanted her back, Spike's grip on her arms tightened. "Bet that made you happy.  What'd you tell him?"

"That it was too late.  That I knew he was jealous of you and only wanted me because he thought you had me.  And that I'd always be his friend, and nothing else."

Spike blinked, surprised.  "You turned him down, pet?"

Beth nodded.  "Of course." She wanted to elaborate, wanted to say it'd been the cigarettes she'd bought for him that'd made her think of him, think of what they'd done together, the fact that he'd been waiting for her had all made it an easy choice.  But she didn't know how to say it. "It wasn't easy, but I just remembered everything we've done together, and there just wasn't any other choice I could make except you."  

Spike was more than a little humbled; he hadn't expected that.  When she'd mentioned Angel asking her back, he'd imagined that she'd said yes in a heartbeat.  Finding that he had been the reason she'd said no was surprising, pleasing, and shocking all at once.  "For me."

Beth nodded.  "Yeah. He wanted me to promise that I wouldn't just roll into bed with someone and have meaningless sex because I was upset.  I told him not to worry, because any time I went to bed with someone, it was meaningful."

"And so what's the meaning then?" he asked, knowing he shouldn't push his luck but needing to know the answer.  

Beth reached out and touched Spike's cheek.  "It means that I'm sleeping with someone I like, someone I respect, and with someone who I know likes and respects me."  She rubbed her thumb over his lips. "If it means anything else I don't know. But I'm also not going to rule it out."

Spike smiled.  He hadn't expected flowery anything, but he'd hoped for more than just a convenient buddy fuck.  He could accept her explanation, because he hadn't expected her to say she respected him. Long as they had that, he could wait and see where it all went.  "I think we've earned ourselves a celebration," he said, stroking her hair. "What do you think?"

Beth laughed softly, pleased with his smile.  She could get used to seeing it. "I think we've earned the right to hang the Do Not Disturb sign on the door and take the phone off the hook," she agreed.

"Bloody right we have."  Spike gave her a quick kiss.  "And I already checked the guide, and House on Haunted Hill is on in half an hour."

Beth picked up the remote, opened the bedside drawer, and dropped it in.  Her cell followed once she'd turned it on vibrate, and then she slammed it shut with finality.  "Too bad we're gonna have to miss it."

The End